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Column: My Name's Not JOE
I heart cynicism
by Joey Sommers :
MySpace
I
think I've always unconsciously avoided the bar scene.
I remember the first time I went to a bar. I remember
thinking to myself, "I sure am glad that I'm
really drunk, because this would have been unbearable
if I was even remotely sober."
Lately I've been intrigued as to why
people love loud and annoying bars so much. And I
think I've finally come to a conclusion as to why.
Let's look at the facts:
1.
The loud music that is blasted non-stop completely
eliminates one's ability to carry on any kind of conversation.
Unless of course you constitute shouting generalized
incoherent statements as communication (some people
evidently do).
2. The consumption of alcohol decreases the potential
for effective verbal communication.
3. This decrease in the potential for verbal communication
works in association with the loud music, which in
turn lowers not only the potential for verbal communication,
but also the necessity for verbal communication.
4. In response to this inability to communicate, we
as humans have adapted to this environment by reverting
to a form of communication that entails a primitive
form of grunts and sexually explicit gestures.
So according to the aforementioned facts,
the club scene has inadvertently aided in setting
back our societies communication skills by several
thousand years.
So what kinds of people feel at home
in this type of environment? It seems obvious, and
it really is…uninteresting people. People who
have nothing interesting to say and who are at their
base, a shallow and one-dimensional being.
Don't worry kids, I'm not reserving
hatred for the bars simply because I can't have a
conversation while in one. It would be slightly hypocritical
of me to mock a certain demographic for being one-dimensional
if my argument was also one-dimensional. Lucky for
me, I could rant on this particular topic for as long
as you would care to read about it. It ultimately
comes down to the people at the bars that leave me
shaking my head at this unfortunate lifestyle.
Is there anything more pathetic than
a group of twenty-something females in line at a dance
club wearing mini-skirts and halter-tops during the
dead of winter? Or how about guys that I have actually
seen grab a girls ass as they walk by her.
These people actually exist…and
I've never had a stronger desire in my life to point
and laugh uncontrollably at someone's face without
worrying about the repercussions of doing so…because
they deserve every humiliating second of it. I am,
however, extremely thankful for the existence of these
people, because they provide me with valuable material
that allows me to entertain the masses.
Nearly everyone I know who frequents
these places feels the same way that I do about them,
but they choose to go to them anyway. Why do we do
this to ourselves week in and week out? Every unmarried
young person in North America predictably spends their
leisure time in places like these. It's almost like
they're contractually obligated to do so.
I, too, fall for the falsely promising
appeal of the bars from time to time. Every time it
ends the same…I sit and ogle girls that I have
no chance with for four hours, and leave disgusted
with the human race…but I keep coming back.
I suppose you can't beat the appeal
of looking at scantily clad females. I swear to god,
if girls wore turtlenecks to the bars during the winter
you wouldn't find any guys there. Men are almost too
simple…as long as there is cleavage present
then we will be too.
On the bright side, it is nice with
the music as loud as it is, to not have to hear the
stupid things these women have to say to you when
they inevitably open their mouths…and they're
scantily clad…so I guess it's at least tolerable.
