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The Neil Jan O'Witz Debacle: Being
Enlightened by George Lucas (and one mile's worth
of glowing plastic lightsabers)
by Neil Janowitz
Ever-striving
to be a part of all truly seminal moments in human
existence, I was there last night, in Times Square,
dressed in blue long johns, matching blue ski mask
and my authentic 1989 Reebok Pumps, waiting patiently
in a three-hour line for the 12:01 premier showing
of Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith.
(My costume - either "blue screen
technology," "space" or "a blue
lightsaber blade" to speculating Star Wars dorks;
"The Tooth" to any associates who know of
my super hero alter-ego - was worn to outshine fellow
line-waiters The British Kid, who had dressed in a
flawless Jedi robe-ensemble, and Bobby, who was wearing
. . . a mullet wig. The outfits inadvertently landed
us an interview by an international documentary filmmaker,
to whom I claimed - on camera - to be Princess Leah.
It also landed me the comment, "I bet you were
popular in high school," which ironically
came
from a 14 year old wearing a "Yoda: Justice"
t-shirt and who had, in the past half hour, attacked
three passers-by with his glowing lightsaber spin
move.)
Yes, I was there last night, just as
I have been for the opening-night of every Star Wars
film released since . . . well, since the production
of my Pumps. And, despite the condescending middle-schoolers
and video documentation of my unabashed dorkiness,
it was once again a thrilling event. That's not because
the movie was so groundbreaking (though it was, by
all accounts, better than the previous two 'digital-generation'
Star Wars movies). Rather, it's because you always
learn something at events such as these. Whether it's
from the eclectic crowd or the philosophy-laden flicks
themselves, new knowledge and experiences float around
like midi-chlorians, ready to empower and enlighten
us all (oooof). "Revenge of the Sith" was
no different, and that's why I'd like to share some
of these new lessons with you.
(Fair warning, though: reading on from
this point is like leaving the "Revenge of the
Sith" refrigerator open: it will spoil the contents.)
- We quickly find out that Padme (Natalie
Portman, for the rest of the fans out there who had
forgotten the absolutely-forgettable name "Padme")
is knocked up with Anakin's child; soon thereafter,
we find out that Anakin's wildly erratic powers have
revealed to him that Padme will die during childbirth.
Wanting to protect his wife, Anakin allies himself
with the Emporer in exchange for dark side powers
that will allow him to prevent Padme's death. This
leads the An'ster to kill a gaggle of young Jedi kids,
choke the wife he was trying to protect and ultimately
turn into Darth Vader. Lesson learned: children truly
do change everything.
- Though he participates in no fewer
than three major battles during the course of the
film, Obi-Wan's neatly styled coiffure never moves.
Doesn't even shift slightly. Didn't matter if he was
fighting a giant robot Sith lord in some weird crater,
or his apprentice-turned-Mariah-Carey-esque nutjob
in a lava field, Master Kenobi's hair remained stiffer
than Tara Reid's drinks. Standard Hollywood fare?
Or a greater power at work? Lesson learned: the Force
can hold hair in place a lot better than the $1.99
can of Rage 4X Mega Hold hairspray that I don't use.
- In Episode II, we got to see a glimpse
of Yoda throwing down his cane and wiling out on Count
Dooku. In episode III, Yoda not only tosses the walker
aside, but he also disrobes and takes the Emperor
on mano a mano. The ensuing battle features Yoda bouncing
around like a super-ball on speed, hurling lightsabers,
electricity and stadium seating at the Emperor with
reckless (yet thoughtful, Jedi-planned) abandon. Though
the battle ends a draw, and Yoda exiles himself for
the time being, it does make one thing absolutely
clear: that wrinkled little sum'bitch needs a walking
cane about as much as I don't need a shower. Lesson
learned: until midgets get jetpacks, 'agile Yoda'
is officially the coolest (term used relatively, mind
you) sub-four-foot entertainment in the world.
- At the end of an intense, angst-fueled
climactic battle on some wild volcanic planet, a really
salty Anakin tries to jump over Obi-Wan's head and
. . . well, we never find out what he had in mind,
because Obi-Wan takes a few choice swipes with his
lightsaber and airborne Anakin lands on the ground
sans a few body parts. A heart-wrenching exchange
then takes place before Obi-Wan, with a heavy heart,
leaves Anakin for dead. Sure, the Emperor skulks on
in, grabs Anakin the mannequin and turns him into
Darth Vader, but that doesn't change the fact that
the elder Skywalker wasn't doing much walking for
a hell of a long time. Lesson learned: on the long
list of awful ways to die, having three limbs cut
off and catching fire on the banks of a molten planet
. . . well, that's gotta be up there.
- Finally, after being condemned to
the life-sustaining Darth Vader outfit for the rest
of his life, Anakin awakens and asks the Emperor what
happened to Padme. When the Emperor reveals that Anakin
himself killed Padme (a load of horseshit, that scoundrel),
Anakin "force-fully" flips out on everyone
in the room before spreading his arms wide and howling,
"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"
That's Darth Vader's last line in the film. Lesson
learned: even the most bad-ass villain in the known
history of villainy can't make an over-wrought "nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo"
yell seem credible. Has there ever been an actual
living person who screamed that in a moment of tragedy?
My guess?
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
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